Do you find it hard to stand up for yourself? Being assertive isn’t the same as being aggressive, but it can get you more of what you want.

Are you Assertive?

A major focus in creating a good environment is being able to communicate effectively. By creating good communication skills allows you to help people give and receive information more effectively, to be able to define and set common goals, and can help avoid the negative aspects of conflict and confusion.

Communication Basics

With an awareness of the way you present yourself, you can learn how to state and support the value of what you want to say, as well as encourage productive feedback from others. If you focus on implementing the basics of good communication, you will be able to see the effects they have on your daily routine that is both positive and rewarding. The following are some ways that will help you have a more effective communication style.

• Be aware of your body language.
  How you sit or stand while talking to someone can have an effect on how people receive and respond to what you are saying. For example, little things we do while in conversation can send a different message from what our true intent is, such as crossed arms are often associated with defensiveness or resistance while leaning forward with arms open say you are receptive to the person’s point of view. Attention to such small details that are non-verbal can help you get your point across and they include making eye contact, maintaining a relaxed facial expression and sitting or standing upright with relaxed shoulders and arms, and breathing normally.
• Be aware of the tone of your voice.
  Your tone of voice can have an impact on how people think about what you are saying. Being aware that the way in which you answer is as important as the answer itself can make a difference. Work on keeping your tone even and normal while also being sure to watch the volume of your answer. These simple steps can help avoid mixed messages and help others stay focused on your words and their meaning.
• Do as others are doing.
  By copying the same body movements of the people you are talking with you send the message that you are on the same path as the other person. Strong communication can be built using this method because the other person tends to relax and feel more comfortable. For example, if the person you are with leans forward, try to do the same, without being obvious as to what you are doing.
• Listen actively.
  By making sure that you understand what is being said by others will help them value what you have to say. To indicate that you are doing this you might try things like summarizing what the person has said; asking questions that require more information and not interrupting them while they are speaking. This will often help clarify any misunderstandings that can lead to later conflict.

Assertive Communication

Assertiveness is the ability to honestly express your thoughts, opinions, feelings, attitudes, and rights, in a manner that is direct and honest but not aggressive.

• Be aware of your body language, make direct eye contact, speak clearly, calmly and make sure your physical stance is open.
• Use “I’ sentences to address the issue so that the focus is on your need, “I am unable to meet that deadline but am willing to look how we can reach our goal.”
• Be specific and direct in making your point, for example: “I will need to have staff work more hours in order to meet that deadline, does that mean you are willing to approve overtime?”
• Make your request direct instead of non-direct, for example: “Will you please have that finished by today?” instead of “Do you think it will be done by today?”
• Be respectful of others when making your point.
• Summarize the main points and the reasoning for each so that both parties involved are clear on the end result of the conversation.

Assertiveness Tips

• Be honest with yourself!
• Stay in tune with your feelings
• Don’t be afraid to go against the flow
• Find out who you really are and be proud of it
• Try being assertive…see what happens
• If something doesn’t work, then DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT
• Sit down and think about the bigger issues behind not being assertive. Attend to those bigger fires instead of the smaller ones
• Stand up for what you really want and desire, regardless of what others say or tell you to do.

Communication is more than just talking. It’s listening. It’s non-verbal cues. And it’s getting your message across in a way that’s likely to be well-received. 

Communication Techniques

A proven technique to more clearly communicate with your partner is using “I” statements when you have something you need for the other person to hear. The following are statements and examples you may want to consider incorporating into your communication style:

• “I” messages reveal feelings without making demands. (“I feel the good work I’ve been doing isn’t noticed.”)
• “You” messages obscure feelings and point fingers of blame. (“You always notice the work Bill does instead of mine.”)
• “I” messages allow the other person to see the effect of his/her behavior, without exerting pressure. (“I have an idea that if my work is recognized, I stand a better chance of promotion.”)
• “You” messages demand action while they threaten the relationship. (“If you keep favoring Bill’s work and ignoring my work, you’ll regret it.)
• “I” messages encourage the other person to grow and trust him/her to handle the situation with responsible behavior. (“Without an honest evaluation of my work, I don’t know how to improve what I’m doing to get a promotion.”)
• “You” messages diminish trust and growth. Although such messages demand change and improvement, the message implies that growth will not happen without the threat or demand of being there. (“You are standing in the way of my promotion and advancement on my job because you won’t give my work an honest evaluation.”)
• “I” messages clearly separate the responsibilities in the conflict by defining the personal problems and feeling raised by other’s actions, but without making the other responsible for those feelings. (“I feel as if my work isn’t appreciated.”)
• “You” messages confuse the responsibilities by leaving little or no room for the other to explain his/her position. Or they prejudge the other person and make him/her responsible for your feelings.” (“You don’t care whether I do good work or not.”)

Source: James G.T. Fairfield’s book, WHEN YOU DON’T AGREE

Foundations of Successful Communication

Being Present

Good communication is more than just talking – it is a blend of actively listening to your conversation partner and clearly stating your response in language that can be understood. Additionally, non-verbal cues are utilized to facilitate understanding. Active listening involves being present–in the moment–NOT thinking about what you plan to say when the other person stops talking! It is paying attention to what is said and the way in which it is said. Many of us rarely experience being truly listened to in our daily lives. We are typically heard with “half an ear” while the listener thinks of other things and/or multitasks. By giving someone your full attention they will not only feel heard, but you will be more aware of what is actually being communicated. When fully listening, you are less likely to filter out the information that does not fit your view of the situation.

Reflective Listening

Communicating clearly involves not only speaking with care, but also includes utilizing active listening and reflecting back what is said. This ensures you are addressing the points and ideas your conversation partner just conveyed. We often listen with a “filter” on our ears. We tend to hear that which agrees with us or fits our notion of what the speaker should be saying, and then ignore the rest. For example: If we have the expectation that the other person will be negative about an idea, we may filter out any positive comments and only focus on the negative ones. We do not truly hear the other. Our filters depend on our needs, our self-esteem and the communication patterns that we learned from our families. Make sure you are responding to the same conversation as your partner when you speak in order to be heard. Practice paraphrasing back with each other to ensure both are fully heard and completely understood. Simply take the time to say, for example, “What I heard you saying is…” and summarize the points just made. Then ask if that is accurate or if anything was missed.

Non-Verbal Cues

Research indicates that 95% of all communication is non-verbal. Factors such as tone of voice, pace of speaking, how we hold our bodies, the physical space between the conversant, amount of eye contact and loudness/softness of voice often convey more about what is being said than actual words. When we agree on a subject with another person in a conversation, our non-verbal cues will match. A simple way to convey empathy and understanding, even if you disagree with what is being said, is to match your tone of voice, speed of speaking and body language to the other speaker.

Complicating Factors

Another factor that may affect the ability to communicate effectively is the different style in which people communicate, particularly different tendencies between men and women. For example, a common pattern in males is to use communication to transfer information, whereas females often communicate to process emotions or a decision. If these communication patterns are not understood, it can lead to confusion, frustration, and faulty communication. The male does not understand why the female keeps talking about the subject when he has given her the information she needs to make a decision, the female does not understand why the male is giving her advice when she wants to talk about the issue in more detail so she can process what needs to be accomplished. Be aware of different communication styles and utilize this type of information to enable you to structure your communication and responses accordingly. This will make you a much stronger communicator!

Anyone can set goals. It’s reaching them that’s the hard part. It’s important to set the bar at the right height for success and then follow through.

Goal Setting Basics

Is your goal…?

• Realistic?
  — Can this goal be realistically met?
• Attainable?
  — Could this goal truly be achieved?
• Concrete?
  — Is this goal specific and set forth in sufficient detail?
• Positive?
  — Is this goal stated in a positive form?
• Motivating?
  — Does this goal motivate you to accomplish it, or does it discourage you?
• Measurable?
  — Is this goal time-limited?

Following these simple criteria will help you set goals that are more manageable and will give them a higher likelihood of being achieved

Set your goals by making sure that, at a minimum, your goal meets the above criteria. Spend some time thinking about why a particular goal is desired and what it will mean to you.

Another important key is to write your goals down. Then break them down into manageable steps. Take time to review your goals frequently–some experts suggest reviewing them on a daily basis! This keeps you focused on achieving them, and helps you make better decisions about how to manage your time and priorities. Taking the time to set well-thought out goals can truly make a difference and set you well on your way to achieving them and becoming more successful–at whatever you choose to do.

Just having goals isn’t enough. You need motivation to get you across the finish line. Where does motivation come from? What might get in your way?

All too often, it seems like what keeps us from being motivated to get things done is that there is so much to do. We look at the big picture and it all is just way too much.What the difference would be if we were to take just one step at a time.

Sure, looking at everything is a huge burden, but what if you were to break it all down? It seems like things may be a lot more manageable when we break them down as opposed to seeing them all at once. Perhaps that may empower us enough and motivate us to get it all done. Let’s be realistic: there is no way on earth that you could do everything all at the same time. So why not take the big burden off and concentrate on getting only one job done at a time?

Keeping everything in its place comes more naturally for some people than others. Here you’ll find tips for tidying up your thoughts and keeping your mind humming, too.

Time Management and Organization

With hectic work schedules, family responsibilities, social meetings and more, you may feel as if you don’t have time to get to everything you need and want to do. You can’t always control what needs to be done. But you can control how you approach getting it done. Whether it’s finding a few big changes you can make or a lot of little changes, they can all add up to more free time and less stress.

The first step in learning how to manage your time is to develop a general work schedule. Your work schedule should include time for yourself so you can re-energize during the day.

After you’ve defined the major elements of your workload, the next step is to prioritize them. What needs to be done today? What needs to be done this week? What can wait until next week?

Setting priorities depends on things like deadlines and whether you’ll need to wait for someone else to help or give you information. If you’re involved in group projects, be sure to factor in extra time for communication and problem-solving.

By setting up your work schedule and identifying your priorities, you‘ve already started down the road to more effective time management. Here are some other suggestions you may find helpful:

• Enlist support early.
  As soon as you realize you can use some help on a task or project, ask for it right away. That can help you give your helper(s) enough lead time to work it into their schedules, too.
• Start with the most worrisome task.
  This will help you breathe easier for the next task and make the rest of your day less stressful.
• Beat deadlines whenever you can.
  Not only will this reduce stress and lighten your work schedule, but it will also give you more self-confidence about managing your schedule.
• Know your capacity for stress.
  When you’re hitting overload, take the break you need (even if it’s just a short one) when you need it.
• Stay organized.
  Take a few minutes at the end of each day to organize your workspace. Make reminder lists of tasks for the next day or week.
• Celebrate each success.
  As a reward, allow yourself some “down time” between busy periods to review your schedule and figure out what task comes next.
• Get physical. Exercise helps you reduce your stress. Working activity into your routine can give your resilience a natural boost.
• Have fun.
  Be sure to have some fun while working or playing. A good sense of humor can help keep issues in perspective.
• Get involved in your community.
  It can help to get to know your neighbors or others who live in your community. That way you can each have a support system close to home.
• Build flexibility into your schedule.
  Your availability to family and friends depends on the flexibility you build into your schedule.

Do you find yourself putting off important things? Now you can start working toward your goals and getting things done.

Procrastination Why

But procrastination doesn’t feel good. When an unfinished chore is hanging over your head, it’s like living under your own personal cloud.

The next time you have trouble getting started, ask yourself why you’ are doing this to yourself. Perhaps one of the following solutions will work for you:

• “I just can’t get started.”
  Don’t want to start now? Then give yourself a deadline from starting. Do something enjoyable, but stick to your deadline.
• “It’s too big a job.”
  Break the job up into smaller tasks. Don’t think about anything but the first task until it’s done, then move on to the second task, the third task, etc.
• “I don’t know where to begin.”
  Jump in and do what looks like the easiest, most enjoyable or least painful part of the task.
• “I really don’t want to do this.”
  We all have to do things we don’t want to do, but if you are habitually procrastinating in one area, stop and examine this message. Maybe you really need to make some changes so you’re doing more of the things you love.

Tips for Procrastinators

Partialize the tasks

Break the project down into pieces. This works especially well with unpleasant tasks–handling duties we dislike is more palatable when done for shorter periods of time.

Go for the immediate reward

Refusing to allow yourself any enjoyment until the entire project is complete is counterproductive. Begin rewarding yourself for the various steps accomplished.

Celebrate your successes

Self-reinforcement has a powerful effect on developing a “do it now” attitude. Don’t minimize what you’ve done!

Self-esteem can affect every aspect of our lives. Why shouldn’t you like yourself even more?

Happiness is Learning to Accept Yourself

Diversity means accepting and appreciating others and their differences. But what about accepting ourselves? Many mental health experts maintain unconditional acceptance of the self is the path to lasting happiness.

The Universal Problem

We grow up with many negative messages: “Don’t do that.” “You shouldn’t be that way.” Consequently, we may learn to accept ourselves only when we meet certain conditions. Many of us carry around a severe critic in our heads who constantly evaluates everything, continuously highlighting our shortcomings.

The Antidote

Self-acceptance starts with ditching judgmentalism and adopting an attitude of compassion toward the self. We need to see ourselves as representative of all humans, simply trying to find our niche and make it through life. We’re all trying to do our best in the moment.

What About personal development?

Does self-acceptance rule out efforts at personal development? Not at all! Self-acceptance means affirming who we are in the moment – with all our strengths and weaknesses. Personal development shifts to being about enriching our lives and becoming more effective as human beings. And the best way to start is by giving ourselves the stamp of approval each moment along the way.

Learning to Love Yourself

Self-love enables us to love and give to others, without the well running dry. Self—love and taking appropriate care of ourselves is what allows us to re-charge and replenish our energy.

Where to start?

What are some practical ways to appreciate and nurture ourselves?

• Take care of your body and its overall health. Eat a healthy diet and maintain some type of exercise regimen. Treat yourself to things that make you feel good, such as a regular massage to rid your body of toxins and relieve stress, a manicure and pedicure, or a facial.
• Make time for fun! Take breaks and participate in activities you enjoy on a regular basis—whether it is an afternoon matinee at the movies, a concert or nice dinner out, or something as simple as a bubble bath by candlelight, reading a book for sheer pleasure, or indulging in a favorite hobby.
• Be aware of your self-talk. That critical voice in our heads is often out of control! It is a struggle for virtually everyone—make a mistake and that inner critic is off and running: “Nothing you do is right—you’re such a loser!” Pay attention to that voice and practice substituting positive, self-affirming statements when those tapes start to play. “We all make mistakes—it’s okay. Making mistakes is how we learn and that’s what’s truly important!”
• Catch yourself doing something right! In tandem with beginning to silence your inner critic, acknowledge yourself when you do something well. Do it in the moment, or take a few minutes for a quick review of the day’s events each evening —and recognize yourself for positive accomplishments, or those qualities you brought to a situation that made a difference. Consider treating yourself to something special as a reward for a time you really sparkled!
• Practice using positive affirmation. What are some personal or life qualities you want to magnify or create? Decide on two or three and focus on them for at least a month—with statements that acknowledge their reality as if it’s already happened. These are called affirmations. For example, “I am loving, caring, and worthy of love,” or “I am powerful and self-confident,” or “I feel healthy and lead a life that is in balance.” Say them aloud throughout the day. You may even want to write them out and post them around your work or home environment. And while it may seem silly at first, they are a powerful tool for bringing about genuine positive change and attracting more good into your life.

Self Love…

• Loving and treating yourself is a no-lose proposition. You will feel better about yourself and approach your world from a more optimistic frame of reference. People will want to be around you, and you will have more to give to others as a result. If you have children, you will be modeling something that is critical to their development of a healthy esteem—perhaps the greatest gift you can provide as a parent. So go ahead, make this a priority and start now!

Positive Self-Image

Feeling good about yourself isn’t about comparing yourself to others or being rich and famous. It’s about being the best you can be.

When you take time to nurture your self-esteem, you’re likely to find you can get more done and give more back. It’s not about being a super-hero. It’s about enjoying who you are, where you are in life and what you’re doing. It all adds up to self-acceptance.

Nurture your sense of fun

• Find fun. See if you can plan nearby activities for yourself or a group. If it’s for a group, try to pick something everyone likes.
• Do what you love. Take time to do things you enjoy. Maybe you feel recharged after playing a musical instrument, working on a craft project, flying a kite or playing a game. Make a list of things you enjoy doing. Then do something from that list every day, even if you only have five free minutes. Add anything new that you discover you enjoy doing to the list.

Become a better you

• Make a habit of giving. It doesn’t have to cost anything. You can do something nice for another person. Smile at someone who looks sad. Say a few kind words to a cashier. Help someone with an unpleasant chore. Take a meal to a friend who’s been sick. Send a card to an acquaintance. Volunteer for a worthy cause.
• Start something new. Begin doing those things you know will make you feel better about yourself. Surprise someone who’s been kind to you with a gift. Work toward a long term goal.
• Clear away the past. Apologize to someone. Forgive someone. Replace bad habits with good ones.
• Keep learning. Take advantage of opportunities to learn something new or improve your skills. Take a class or go to a seminar. You can even take classes online for free through “Massive Open Online Courses” (MOOCs).
• Catch up.  Finish something you’ve been putting off. Clean out that drawer. Call a family member. Write to a close friend.

Aim to be the best you

• Foster your uniqueness. Do things that make use of your own special talents and abilities. For instance, if you’re good with your hands, you can make things for yourself, your family and friends. If you like animals, consider having a pet or house-sitting for friends’ pets.
• Be good to yourself. Make it a point to treat yourself well every day. Before you go to bed each night, write about how you were kind to yourself during the day.
• Keep the best company. Spend time with people who help you feel good about yourself. Avoid or limit your time with people who tend to bring you down.
• Spruce up your home. Make your living space a place that honors the person you are. If you share your living space with others, have some space that’s just for you—a place you can decorate any way you choose.
• Honor your successes. Display items you find attractive or that remind you of achievements or special people and times in your life. If cost is a factor, use your creativity to think of free or affordable ways you can add to the comfort and enjoyment of your space.

Understanding Yourself

After you have begun to change the way you look at time it is good to start with the tools that are already working for you. It is most likely that these methods fit with your particular style, or personality, which is an important aspect to consider. Understanding yourself, your natural tendencies, preferences, and priorities is integral in the transformation of your relationship with time. If you lack an understanding of yourself you may end up fighting yourself, wasting energy, and giving in to procrastination and self-doubt. A big part of knowing yourself is understanding personal barriers you have to time management. Many are unaware of psychological barriers that exist which sabotage our efforts to organize our time more efficiently.